Hot food...

NT's, why are you so obsessed with it?

I don't want my food really hot, which used to drive one of my exes crazy. Whenever I tried eating cold leftovers, or waited for what he thought was too long before eating, he would get upset and take my plate and force-microwave my food.

One of the Asperger wives once complained about her husband's habit of eating "cold" food, not because he showed up too late to eat with her (they rarely eat together anyway), but because she grew tired of trying to find ways of keeping his food heated. "Eggs, bacon and pancakes are not tasty when cold", she said.

When people who are obsessed with hot food talk about cold food, they usually don't even talk about cold food. "Cold food" tends to mean "food that is no longer hot enough to burn your face off". According to these people, food has to be eaten right away, "before it gets cold".

Okay, thanks, but I'm sensitive to heat. I always wait for a while before eating, for many reasons. To begin with, hot food eaten immediately after cooking burns. Not only does the heat make the experience of eating uncomfortable and painful, I don't really feel the taste of the food either, and the texture of most foods gets better after it's cooled off a bit (especially bacon, Mrs. Aspie!). When I eat "cold" food (as in warm but colder than it was from the beginning), I probably feel it basically the same way as most people do when eating it hot.

Sensory issues seem to be the part of autism spectrum disorders that annoy "normal" people the most. Take sunglasses, for example. People have all sorts of ideas about when sunglasses are acceptable and not - you can only wear them outdoors, between noon and about 5 PM, in late spring and summer. Before I decided to ignore that norm, my eyes constantly hurt and my migraines were significantly more frequent. Even being distracted to small sounds tends to annoy people or even make them angry. I don't get it.

That essay.

I'm trying again. Did anyone see what I posted yesterday before I deleted it? I know, I do that a lot.

Anyway, I finally came up with a good subject for my linguistics essay. I thought. It turned out that what I was looking for was a bit difficult to find after all, but I have to keep trying and I'm asking you for help. Again. The most creative thing I can think of doing when I'm tired and just can't keep up with everything is dropping out and start applying for jobs at Mc Donald's, which is why I deleted yesterday's post, but I know that I won't actually do it.

So if you know of a blog like this one (which I obviously can't use as a source), in other words a blog about autism written by an autistic person, please send me a link. More specifically, since I'm reading and enjoying several already without finding a clear example of what I'm looking for, I am trying to find a post where hypercorrect, formal or pedantic language is used for emphasizing sarcasm, playing with stereotypes or somehow creating a contrast between language and content.

Oh, and by the way, I made a Facebook fan page for my blog. "Like" it if you want to. I had to edit the whole blog to make that ugly like box fit and it looks like shit, sort of, but it's still possible that I think it looks like shit just because it's different which makes me think of it as WRONG.

Because We Are Not Actually Like That

I am deeply sorry for loving freight trains and not eating prime numbers.

Aspies are fluorescent.

We are elves, too. And angels, chosen by extraterrestrial entities and generally magical. There seems to be a need among aspies and parents of autistic children to create an image of this sort. Others like to diagnose dead geniuses with Asperger's and complete their list of positive traits with some namedropping (another habit I don't understand, although I am willing to make an exception for Tesla).

Let's start with this article.
Right. Autists are sometimes said to be ethereally beautiful, and of course, many believe in it. I guess they believe in it because they want to. I don't believe in it, and I find the article plain bizarre, really. Take this, for example: "My children's beauty has always been a source of solace to me. When you've had a terrible night with a small baby, you can restore your affection for the child by dressing it up and making it look really sweet."
I don't know what else to say.

On to the next point: Aspie eyes. Yes, I know we can have special eyes in some ways, but not in the sense "magical". Someone made this video to show that people with AS have eyes that are deeper, more beautiful and more special than others':

1. The music. The video is not really as touching if you turn off the sound, is it?
2. The eyes. Some of them are beautiful, others are... just eyes.
3. The pictures. They're close-ups! Eyes, and especially when pictured like this (zoomed in) are always moving.
I feel quite sure that someone could do this with pictures of neurotypical people's eyes and achieve the same emotional effect using music and zooming in on the eyes. I'm sorry for being boring, but I really don't get it.

It's a nice thought, I guess, just like when people correct others and say that neuropsychiatric conditions are gifts, nothing else. On some level I understand this need, but when I see things like the beauty article and the eye video, it seems quite close to saying "you don't have Asperger's, you are Indigo children". Yes, I have seen that too.

Why not just see it for what it is? I personally don't mind being wired differently, and I wouldn't feel insulted by being diagnosed with a syndrome. There are positive parts of it, and of course we should talk about them! I don't mind at all, as long as I don't have to see too much of the "aspie supremacy" attitude. Still, it's a syndrome. Many of us are exceptionally cool in one way or another (heh), but we all have our shortcomings as a result of it. I think I deserve respect and understanding even without angelic beauty or magical eyes.

Different updates.

Yes, I deleted the other "updates" post. And yes, another recent post too.

New update number one: I decided not to give up trying to get help. Tonight I found an online service where you could request contact with a doctor, so now I will have an appointment within three days.

New update number two: I decided to give social anxiety the finger and just asked my friend if I could stay at his place. Of course I could.

It looks like my melodramatic nights paid off, somehow. It all became so obviously bad that I knew I couldn't go on like that, so I ended up just doing the things I thought I wouldn't do. Rather than seeming time-consuming, the decision to try to get a neuropsychiatric investigation feels relaxing. I will have appointments where I can talk about all of these things, so I can hopefully focus on other things in between. I still don't know whether I should actually stop talking to my boyfriend about these things or not - I've already told him that I don't want to talk about it anymore so I guess I should stick to it, but I have to admit that I don't feel too good about the prospect of going back to hiding my thoughts and feelings when I finally found someone I trusted enough - but I still have about three weeks to figure that one out.
Asking a friend who had offered me a place to stay if I could stay at his place turned out to be just as easy as it sounds, but it still felt like a huge step for me. My social confidence varies between two extremes: I am either "in your face" or ridiculously introverted and shy, rarely in between. Lately I have been much more of the latter, and it actually bothers me quite a bit.

For those of you who read the old updates post before I deleted it: don't worry. I will not remove the blog, nor will I stop writing. One thing I've given up on is trying to study in the evenings, so I will try to keep the posts coming and stick to the original idea.
If there is something specific (AS-related, of course) that you would like me to write about, or if you have seen something stupid about autism in media, feel free to ask and/or send me a link. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Yesterday's topic of discussion: my tics.

I forced myself to stop doing the things I do with my nose when I was thirteen because my friends picked on me, which caused years of frustration and pain. It's back now, and it feels great! Now I've also started doing something terribly ugly with my head/neck, and I grimace more than ever. What's more embarrassing is my habit of repeating overheard fragments of other people's conversations - I don't even think about it, but once I realize what I've done, I just can't stop myself. I go on and on, repeating the same thing over and over again. Haha, so far the worst thing that has happened is that I've made people uncomfortable, and I have a strategy: telling my friends what I've done, without mentioning suspected syndromes or anything. It doesn't really feel as bad once I've made a joke about it, and those things are what people tend to like about me anyway.

At home (or by all means outside), I shout things basically every day. My son, who is now four years old, loves it when I say "poop". Usually it's small words or sounds like that, other times I say whole sentences that have nothing to do with anything that's happening. Nonsense sentences in English are quite common as well. I have spent many lectures rolling around in my chair with my fists pressed against my teeth to keep myself from saying things. I don't think I've actually ever done it, but I occasionally wonder if I just said "fuck", and once I've thought about it I will probably start. Maybe I should try letting it happen? Could be fun! Haha!

Of course, C mentioned Tourette's syndrome after all this. Coffee and Tourette's. I might get a whole box full of diagnoses! Anna and the syndromes. Sounds like a band name.

He also asked how much I hide from him. I've told him about the tics, but I actually hide all of them from him. Stupid? Yes, especially considering that I'm way too honest with him about everything else. All we ever talk about is my problems, and now I am the opposite of myself: an arch-emo, lacking independence and in need of care. I should do it the other way around, stop being so damn honest but be open about my weirdness. Sure, I wouldn't sound intelligent or look good (well, I never do anyway) but at least I would like myself more.

I, Robot

It rarely, if ever, happens nowadays, but there was one day a year ago when I really wished that I could instantly paint myself the same color as the floor. It was one of those classes that I hate – I love literature, I just hate studying it, especially when I have to talk about a text with people outside of the group hearing it. This day, we were given a poem, which had been voted “Favourite English poem of all times” in a BBC poll: “If” by Rudyard Kipling, which you can find here. I guess I had a bit of an unintelligent day. To begin with, I still hadn't realized that the fact that the course was called “Text and Culture” meant that we were not just studying literature. Secondly, I didn't really know anything about Kipling, or about the cultural concepts we were supposed to link to the poem, so I actually had no idea what we were doing. Don't worry, I know more now. Because of this, I misinterpreted the study questions (Why do you think this poem was voted best English poem of all times? What does it really mean?) as “there are cheesy things to say about this, so go ahead”. I said something cheesy about “If”, but in reality, I had no idea what to make of it. Not because I found it difficult – I just thought it was silly and a bit boring. Was there something that I missed? Why say something so natural in such big words? Really, most of the 'ifs' of that poem seem quite normal to me, although exaggerated. I don't see it as an ideal way of living or some kind of definition of being a human, but I think I work like that to some extent.

Shortly after we got back into the classroom, I found out what was wrong. “If” is appalling. The “Man” is not a real human. I am not human. The poem describes a robot. Perhaps I was ashamed of having misunderstood everything, and of having forced myself to say something cheesy about "If", but I think the worst part of it was that at least three people then knew that I was one of Them. Those who don't show their feelings. It wasn't the first time I heard "not showing emotions" referred to as an extremely negative personality trait, but I believe this was when I finally understood that I am a cold psychopath by most people's standards.

Of course, I understood what it was all about after the teacher told us about Stiff Upper Lip ideals. I don't agree with those, no, and I don't think repressing emotions is a good thing either. I don't think of emotional expressions as signs of weakness, and yes, I cry too sometimes, and unless I do it in front of other people without being able to explain why, I am not ashamed of it. Fine. But it's not just about that – not showing emotions, regardless of the reason for not doing so, is ugly. Having a rational and analytical approach to emotional situations is ugly, too. That was what my teacher said that day, and it's very clear that this idea is basically everywhere (not least among aspies), but no one ever explains why. I guess this is something that shouldn't have to be explained. I have understood that decisions are supposed to be based on emotions. I have also understood that showing feelings and talking about them is an essential part of being a real, emotional human being. Unfortunately, I don't work like that, nor do I instinctively understand the beauty of it. 

Although believe I am very emotional, I don't always know what I feel or why, and when I do, I sometimes have no idea how to make the appropriate facial expression. More importantly though, I don't actually understand the point of sharing my feelings with others. What would they do with the information? What's in it for me? I prefer to wait until I know how I would like to solve the problem, and then say what I think about the situation rather than flap my arms and scream about how I feel. If they can't help me and my feelings have nothing to do with them, they don't need to know how I feel, right? And what exactly does it mean to "talk about feelings"? I am sad. Very interesting. 

My nasty habit of rationally analyzing the situation and think of solutions without getting stuck in a cloud of feelings has actually helped me solve conflicts quickly, easily and with respect for the emotions of everyone involved, but I guess I should stop saying that. Even the one person who always understands me and my weirdness seemed to think that was really disagreeable when we discussed it.

This is probably the one part of the human grammar that I will never really learn. All I can see in the “emotional” ideal human is selfishness. Does anyone ever see beyond their own beautiful feelings when reacting appropriately emotionally? I don't think I've ever seen it. To me, that constant emotional fever, the helicopter-like gestures, the screaming, which is what I see every time someone claims to be “showing emotions”, are just confusing.

And I guess no one will ever explain these things to me.  

(Yes, I had some wine, and yes, I am indeed very tired).